Muldo

The news of Kate Winslet’s merkin use made me remember an old desk skit from “Gettin’ Later,” originally written in 2002 by myself and Ben Mitchell.

And now, I bring you “The Merkin.”

—

Ben picks up a merkin.  It’s black and has long, flowing braids like a bad weave.

BEN
Hey, what’s this?

RYAN
That’s my new merkin!  I’ve been looking all over for that.  I thought Doug stole it again.

Ben sniffs the object for a beat, intrigued.

BEN
What’s a merkin?

RYAN
Ha, it’s a pubic wig!

Ben throws merkin down in anger.

BEN
WHAT?

RYAN
It fills me out…down there.  Makes me look like more of a man.

Ryan tucks it into his pants, the braids flowing out.

BEN
It looks like Pocohontas set up a tee-pee in your nether region.

RYAN
Well, that is the name of my merkin.

BEN
I didn’t need to know that.

RYAN
I think you did.  Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who don’t know the benefits of a good, form-fitting merkin.

BEN
Why do you need more hair down there? Isn’t your ass a hair forest?

RYAN
Yes, that’s why I need equilibrium.

BEN
Equili-

RYAN
Equilibrium.

BEN
(beat) Aren’t you aware that less is more? Real men keep it trim down there.

RYAN
That’s debatable.  Don’t you read Cosmo?  The rugged look is IN.

BEN
But a trimmed region also makes junk look bigger.  You don’t want to look like Sinbad, do you?

RYAN
ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHH…

BEN
The COMEDIAN, not the pirate. (beat) This is just wrong.

RYAN
Don’t knock it till you try it.

Ben pauses to think.

BEN
You’ve got me curious now.  Can I at least try it on?

Ben swipes for the merkin.  Ryan dodges.

RYAN
No way!  That’s sick!

BEN
Just for a minute?

RYAN
NO!  You can buy your own.  Just don’t get the same one as me.  I don’t want you crampin’ my style.

BEN
What if I don’t like it?

Ryan pulls a catalogue from under his chair.

RYAN
We’ll take care of that.

BEN
Wow!  They have a “Christopher Walken?”

RYAN
My favorite is “John Stamos – The Early Years.”

BEN
Wait a minute.  What are we doing?  This is ridiculous.

RYAN
What?

BEN
I know what’s going on here.  I know why you have a merkin all of a sudden.  You still feel… inadequate, don’t you?

RYAN
Who doesn’t?  How can I compete with guys like Brad Pitt?

Ben pats Ryan on the back, also wiping off his hands from his encounter with the merkin.

BEN
There, there.  It’s not your fault all your hairs were burned off by Agent Orange in ‘Nam.

RYAN
Damn it, Ben!

BEN
Oh, was that a secret?

Ryan puts his head in his hands.

RYAN
YES!

BEN
Oops.  We’ll be right back!

RYAN
Charlie Bastards!

END

Tags: comedy sketch, Gettin' Later, Kate Winslet, Merkin, pubic wig