Hairstyle of the Century

I was at a Mexican restaurant in Sylmar after a round of disc golf a couple weeks ago and came upon the greatest hairstyle in the history of mankind.  Or humankind if you’d like me to be more politically correct.  Though I always hate when people say humankind since the traditional meaning of “mankind” factors in both sexes, so saying humankind is just a bunch of  bullshit.

Anyways, the woman was face to face with me, and the true scope of her wondrous hair was not realized until she turned sideways to feed her child.  Upon doing so, this is what I witnessed:


Turned sideways, her giant, wave-breaking-on-the-shore curl was exposed.  Many thoughts ran through my head concerning how she got her hair to curl that way.  Beer can?  Tree stump?  Her husband’s girthy genitalia?

I hope for it being the result of hair-banging her better-half, but my practical side says she did it with an empty Coors Light.  Either way, I’ll appreciate this woman’s avant-garde approach to hairstyle innovations and think of  her the next time I body surf.

Justin Bieber’s Comb Over

There’s been a lot of talk about this Justin Bieber fellow lately.  I don’t care how musically talented the kid is, the only thing I’ve noticed about him is his atrocious hair.

The comb over is usually reserved for middle aged men who won’t resign to the fact that they no longer have a hairline.  Why does a 16-year-old who probably gets more pussy in a week than I will in a lifetime sport the same style?

As you can see in the photo, Bieber’s hair is grown out longer on the sides, combed toward the center of his head, and matted down by some heavy duty hair products.  I guarantee that if you threw him in a pool, he’d come out with the hair on his sides and back grown past his shoulders, and nothing on the top of his skull, much like Hulk Hogan.

There could be many reasons for Bieber’s comb over.  A few possibilities:

- Record execs forced Bieber into the comb over to cover up a forehead tattoo a la Michelle “Bombshell” McGee 1.  Bieber wouldn’t be nearly as appealing to preteen girls if he looked like Bam Bam Bigelow.

- Bieber is being proactive and starting a comb over now, instead of resorting to it at a later age when his career takes its inevitable nose dive.

- Bieber shaves the top of his head and combs over as a tribute to his musical hero Frank Sinatra, who famously wore a hair piece.  It’s a more original way to celebrate a hero than recording a tribute album.

- Bieber is a real life Benjamin Button, living in reverse, looking young, but still suffering from male pattern baldness.  this would be the saddest option, since that means we only have a decade and a half left of Bieber-time.  It also explains how he’s so musically talented at a seemingly young age.

No matter the reason, it’s time for Justin Bieber to take a stand on the situation.  He should come forward and finally comment on his hair and why he elects to comb it over, or do what I did when I was 16 and change his hairstyle to a bowl cut that’s parted down the middle.  Either way, we, as a country, could then move on and focus our thoughts to more important matters like the Kim Kardashian-Reggie Bush breakup.

  1. A few days ago, McGee spurned an argument between me and my roommate.  I said I would never have sex with a woman who has a tattoo on her forehead.  It’s a complete turn off and, it doesn’t matter how hot the rest of her body is, I couldn’t get over the tattoo.  My roommate then yelled at me, called me full of shit, and said I would do it if the girl was hot, saying if Giselle had a forehead tattoo, I’d still be all over her.  But I really couldn’t do it.  If a girl is careless enough about her body that she’d get a forehead tattoo, no amount of hotness would overcome that for me. ↩