Things I Did in High School: Created a Barenaked Ladies Fan Site Adorned with Nipples

Back in late 2000, I saw the Barenaked Ladies before in concert and it changed my life.  They’re the one band I’ll truly follow, for better or worse.  I was unabashed about this in high school,  contributing to the already vast list of reasons I never dated.  I took my love of the band one step further and designed a website dedicated to them, loaded it with photos of nipples, and gave it the most ridiculous title possible:  The Chilly Nipple.

Legendary Photoshop skills at work.

Looking back, I see the logic.  If a lady is naked, her nipples are most likely chilly.  It’s a catchy joke title but maybe something that shouldn’t have been associated with my straightforward fan page.  Besides having a horrible design and being adorned with nipples,  I waxed poetic on my love of all things Barenaked Ladies. The problem?  No one gave a shit.

The site never got visitors, and I gave up on it almost as quickly as it was created during a brainstorming session in the shower.  After going through my archives, I found the desktop wallpaper that I crafted. It’s the greatest thing about the site, a 10 on the unintentional comedy scale, and arguably the best digital image ever created.

If there's one thing people want to look at when they minimize all their windows, it's an extreme closeup of a large nipple in pastel colors and five guys in a band.

The wallpaper adorned my desktop for several weeks before I realized having a huge nipple in the center of my monitor wasn’t as cool an idea as it seemed (and my mom yelled at me).  The background was changed to something more hip, like “Survivor” contestants, and the website was abandoned.

Fortunately, thanks to portable hard drives and the foresight to save a lot of my old files, it lives on for you to enjoy.

Barenaked Fat Ladies

This ice cream makes me want to point my finger!

The greatest band ever assembled has achieved many things during the last 20 years:  Platnium albums, sold out tours, a documentary produced and directed by Jason Priestly, and most importantly, gaining me as a fan.  Now they’ve been immortalized via dessert.

Barenaked Ladies have been immortalized by ice cream manufacturer Ben and Jerry’s:

The band launched “If I Had 1,000,000 Flavours” at a news conference at the CN Tower on Tuesday.

The title, of course, is a play on their hit, “If I Had a Million Dollars.”

With chocolate, vanilla, chocolate-covered toffee, white chocolate chunks, peanut butter cups and chocolate-covered almonds – “that’s a lot of chunks,” notes drummer Tyler Stewart – this million-flavour mixture tastes, well, pretty rich.

“We went through a tough time in the last year but we’re absolutely on our feet, and making a new record, and ready to rock, and ready to do good things – helping people learn how to read, and helping people get fat.”

One of those people will be me. 

This is the culimation of my two favorite things:  BNL and food.  If I disappear for an extended period of time, know that you’ll most likely find me sitting shirtless on my sofa, stuffing my face full of this new, tasty ice cream while watching Barenaked Ladies videos, listening to their albums, and probably becoming aroused. 

The fat man and music fan in me is happy.  The over/under on me ballooning to my 2002 era weight (college dining halls were not kind to me) is 3 months.

An ice cream flavor is a good move for the band, but I always envisioned them going into the adult entertainment world.  Their name would make a great brand for butt plugs, dildos, and the like.

Barenaked Ladies + Children = Me

I’m an unabashed fan of Barenaked Ladies, the literal meaning of the phrase and, arguably more so, the band.  After being talked into attending a concert in November 2000, I’ve bought every CD, learned every song, and even have a ridiculously dorky t-shirt with a thumbs up on it.  I fervently defend them and block out the laughs when I tell people of my favorite band and they think I’m joking.

BNL have released a children’s album, “Snacktime,” and are doing a mini-promotional tour.  Upon hearing they’d be at the nearby grove on June 11th, I was giddy with enthusiasm.

Then something better came along.

My producer sent out an e-mail to the team that he found amusing.  It was promoting an upcoming BNL show at The TreeHouse, a swanky childcare center in Beverly Hills.  This exclusive show was only $25 per ticket.  With an arousal usually reserved for bedroom antics, I tracked down the number of the venue.  The fact that it was a childrens album being peformed at a daycare center did make for a mild red flag, but I forged ahead anyways.

“Hello, Treehouse,” the woman answered.
“Hi, I’d like to purchase tickets to the Barenaked Ladies show,” I said enthusiastically.
“OK, great,” She said.  “Are you a member of the Treehouse?”

A bit of panic began to set in.  Maybe getting the tickets wouldn’t be so easy.

“Um, no, we’re just really big fans of the band and would love to see them perform for the kids,” the dispair set in.
“Sir, this show is for members only.  How many children do you want to bring, and how many in your party total?”
“Well, no kids.  Just two adults.”
“This is a kids’ show.”
“Like I said, I’m just a huge fan.  Is there anything you can do?”
“Let me check with my boss.”

I was put on hold for a minute, but I already knew the answer.

“Hi sir.  This is a members only show with a 50 seat venue, so we’re not allowing outsiders to purchase.  But, give me your name and number and I’ll call you if something changes.”

At this point, embarassment set in.  This woman probably thought I was a creepy child molestor wanting in the children’s concert under the guise of a true fan.  I was going to say “at least she doesn’t know who I am,” but I promptly gave her my name and number, so I’m most likely blacklisted from The Treehouse for life.

Although I suffered some mild embarassment and the chance that people I don’t know think I’m creepy for wanting to go to a children’s rock concert, it was worth it for the slim chance that they’d call back and let me see the show.

And I wouldn’t bring any candy, I swear.