Muldo

In celebration of Good Friday, I present to you a rediscovered clip from back in 2004.  It features Jesus performing hilarious stand up for a Comedy Special for sale on DVD.  Watch the video below and be crucified with LAUGHS!  If this doesn’t give you a Good Friday, I don’t know what will!

It was originally taped for an episode of “Gettin’ Later.”  Although the acting could’ve been better, the skit hits its mark and gave me a few chuckles when I watched it today for the first time in years.

I hosted and wrote for a late night talk show while attending Slippery Rock University during the first half of the decade.  It was a fun 3 years and was ultimately responsible for starting my career in television.

One of my favorite sketches written during my days at “Gettin’ Later” was “Martyr for Hire.”

“Martyr for Hire,” co-written with long-time friends Ben Mitchell and Chris Demeglio in March 2003, is an ironic and funny sketch.  While it was filmed, the location of the footage is unknown.  The skit was horribly performed and would not do the material justice.  This sketch has a special place in my heart, and I hope it will in yours too after you read it.

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We enter from the commercial break.  Ben and Ryan are at the desk enjoying a friendly chat.

BEN
Welcome back.  We have a staff member who started a new business over break, and they’re here this evening to tell us a little bit about that. Can you come on out?

Martyr approaches the stage.

MARTYR
Hey Ben, Ryan, how are you guys doing tonight?

BEN
Pretty good, yourself?

MARTYR
Actually, I’m pretty excited to get this new business going.

BEN
OK, good, now tell us a little bit about what you’re doing here.

MARTYR
Well, I’ve decided to start a business called “martyr for hire.”

BEN
That’s an interesting name. What does this business do?

MARTYR
As we all know, I’m a college student and in order to pay off my mounting college loans I’ve decided to sell off my martyrdom to any businesses, lobbyists, or interest groups who would like to further their respective causes.

Ben
Ihat’s terrible, why would you do something like that? You have your whole life ahead of you.

MARTYR
The way I see is it is I can start off small and build a clientele.  You know, get my name out there. After that, I’ll get a few jobs that will lead to more impressive martyring opportunities. Pretty soon, I’ll expand my business and have martyrs who work under me.  I think this can be a fortune 500 company.

Ben and Ryan pause for a beat.

RYAN
Not if you’re dead you can’t. You do realize that being a martyr means dying for your cause, don’t you?

MARTYR
All i know is that I’m dying to get started. In fact, I already have 3 jobs lined up.

BEN
But how?

MARTYR
Look at Joan of arc.  If I can build up 10 percent of the name recognition she has, I’ll be rich.

BEN
She’s only famous ‘cause she’s dead.

RYAN
apparently he has the listening skills of a previously used martyr.

MARTYR
Well, you guys can do what you want. But, when you need a martyr for something, you’ll be back.

BEN
All right, good luck to you, I guess….ok we’ll be back in a moment with SRU men’s basketball coach john marhefka. stay tuned.

Fade to Black.  Commercial Break.

BEN
Ok, we’re back and (beat) Wait, what’s this? (beat) Our producer Doug has just informed me that the martyr for hire has just landed his 1st job! (beat) The funeral is Monday.

Trollops.

In honor of Mother’s day, let’s remember what is arguably one of the worst TV shows of all time, “The Mommies.”  “Mommies” began as a comedy duo featuring Marilyn Kentz and Caryl Kristensen.  Instead of drinking boxed wine and screwing the pool boy, the two hens coped with their idiot husbands and insolent children by making “jokes” about suburban life.  They booked gigs and house wife counterparts across the country ate it up.  A modern day equivalent would be cloning Joy Behar and giving the new Behar twins a starring primetime vehicle.  The results would be equally unfunny.

After a short time as a duo, NBC decided to give these women their own show, even though they had no acting or producing experience.  The results were predictable.  Here’s the only clip I could find on youtube:

As you can see, the acting was top notch , the writing superb, and Julia Duffy was looking sexy.

An Entertainment Weekly review gives more insight to the lack of funny:

Kentz and Kristensen have an endless supply of material about how awful their kids are, how stupid their husbands are, and how ridiculous and wasted a woman’s life is if she settles for being merely a mother and wife. ”I don’t mind cooking-I just hate doing it for my family” is a typical zinger … Stuck in car-pool traffic at their children’s school with just-bought groceries in the back of the van, a Mommy will say, ”Let’s get the food home first-the kids have already gone bad.”

Hilarious!

For some reason, NBC kept this crap on for 38 episodes.  After its cancellation, “The Mommies” landed a daytime talk show on ABC titled “Caryl and Marilyn:  Real Friends.”  I’m sure it would’ve been more appropriately titled “Middle-aged Trollops:  Real Dull.”  It ran for one year before ABC replaced it with “The View,” starring Joy Behar.  The Circle Of Life.

So on this Mother’s day, give your mother a call or a hug if you’re close by.  And appreciate them for not creating drivel like this.