The Merkin – Revisited

The news of Kate Winslet’s merkin use made me remember an old desk skit from “Gettin’ Later,” originally written in 2002 by myself and Ben Mitchell.

And now, I bring you “The Merkin.”

—

Ben picks up a merkin.  It’s black and has long, flowing braids like a bad weave.

BEN
Hey, what’s this?

RYAN
That’s my new merkin!  I’ve been looking all over for that.  I thought Doug stole it again.

Ben sniffs the object for a beat, intrigued.

BEN
What’s a merkin?

RYAN
Ha, it’s a pubic wig!

Ben throws merkin down in anger.

BEN
WHAT?

RYAN
It fills me out…down there.  Makes me look like more of a man.

Ryan tucks it into his pants, the braids flowing out.

BEN
It looks like Pocohontas set up a tee-pee in your nether region.

RYAN
Well, that is the name of my merkin.

BEN
I didn’t need to know that.

RYAN
I think you did.  Believe it or not, there are a lot of people who don’t know the benefits of a good, form-fitting merkin.

BEN
Why do you need more hair down there? Isn’t your ass a hair forest?

RYAN
Yes, that’s why I need equilibrium.

BEN
Equili-

RYAN
Equilibrium.

BEN
(beat) Aren’t you aware that less is more? Real men keep it trim down there.

RYAN
That’s debatable.  Don’t you read Cosmo?  The rugged look is IN.

BEN
But a trimmed region also makes junk look bigger.  You don’t want to look like Sinbad, do you?

RYAN
ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHH…

BEN
The COMEDIAN, not the pirate. (beat) This is just wrong.

RYAN
Don’t knock it till you try it.

Ben pauses to think.

BEN
You’ve got me curious now.  Can I at least try it on?

Ben swipes for the merkin.  Ryan dodges.

RYAN
No way!  That’s sick!

BEN
Just for a minute?

RYAN
NO!  You can buy your own.  Just don’t get the same one as me.  I don’t want you crampin’ my style.

BEN
What if I don’t like it?

Ryan pulls a catalogue from under his chair.

RYAN
We’ll take care of that.

BEN
Wow!  They have a “Christopher Walken?”

RYAN
My favorite is “John Stamos – The Early Years.”

BEN
Wait a minute.  What are we doing?  This is ridiculous.

RYAN
What?

BEN
I know what’s going on here.  I know why you have a merkin all of a sudden.  You still feel… inadequate, don’t you?

RYAN
Who doesn’t?  How can I compete with guys like Brad Pitt?

Ben pats Ryan on the back, also wiping off his hands from his encounter with the merkin.

BEN
There, there.  It’s not your fault all your hairs were burned off by Agent Orange in ‘Nam.

RYAN
Damn it, Ben!

BEN
Oh, was that a secret?

Ryan puts his head in his hands.

RYAN
YES!

BEN
Oops.  We’ll be right back!

RYAN
Charlie Bastards!

END

Martyr for Hire

I hosted and wrote for a late night talk show while attending Slippery Rock http://www.sexualfables.com/images/joan_of_arc_miniature_c1450_1500.jpgUniversity during the first half of the decade.  It was a fun 3 years and was ultimately responsible for starting my career in television.

One of my favorite sketches written during my days at “Gettin’ Later” was “Martyr for Hire.”

“Martyr for Hire,” co-written with long-time friends Ben Mitchell and Chris Demeglio in March 2003, is an ironic and funny sketch.  While it was filmed, the location of the footage is unknown.  The skit was horribly performed and would not do the material justice.  This sketch has a special place in my heart, and I hope it will in yours too after you read it.

—

We enter from the commercial break.  Ben and Ryan are at the desk enjoying a friendly chat.

BEN
Welcome back.  We have a staff member who started a new business over break, and they’re here this evening to tell us a little bit about that. Can you come on out?

Martyr approaches the stage.

MARTYR
Hey Ben, Ryan, how are you guys doing tonight?

BEN
Pretty good, yourself?

MARTYR
Actually, I’m pretty excited to get this new business going.

BEN
OK, good, now tell us a little bit about what you’re doing here.

MARTYR
Well, I’ve decided to start a business called “martyr for hire.”

BEN
That’s an interesting name. What does this business do?

MARTYR
As we all know, I’m a college student and in order to pay off my mounting college loans I’ve decided to sell off my martyrdom to any businesses, lobbyists, or interest groups who would like to further their respective causes.

Ben
Ihat’s terrible, why would you do something like that? You have your whole life ahead of you.

MARTYR
The way I see is it is I can start off small and build a clientele.  You know, get my name out there. After that, I’ll get a few jobs that will lead to more impressive martyring opportunities. Pretty soon, I’ll expand my business and have martyrs who work under me.  I think this can be a fortune 500 company.

Ben and Ryan pause for a beat.

RYAN
Not if you’re dead you can’t. You do realize that being a martyr means dying for your cause, don’t you?

MARTYR
All i know is that I’m dying to get started. In fact, I already have 3 jobs lined up.

BEN
But how?

MARTYR
Look at Joan of arc.  If I can build up 10 percent of the name recognition she has, I’ll be rich.

BEN
She’s only famous ‘cause she’s dead.

RYAN
apparently he has the listening skills of a previously used martyr.

MARTYR
Well, you guys can do what you want. But, when you need a martyr for something, you’ll be back.

BEN
All right, good luck to you, I guess….ok we’ll be back in a moment with SRU men’s basketball coach john marhefka. stay tuned.

Fade to Black.  Commercial Break.

BEN
Ok, we’re back and (beat) Wait, what’s this? (beat) Our producer Doug has just informed me that the martyr for hire has just landed his 1st job! (beat) The funeral is Monday.