Adam and Steve

adam_lambert1In a truly shocking development, American Idol runner up Adam Lambert has been outed as gay.  The entertainment media, of course, made a story out of this.  If this surprised you, here’s more news you probably didn’t know about:  George Washington is dead, smoking causes cancer, and Christmas is December 25th.

Can anyone honestly take a look at this guy and say “now THAT’S a heterosexual?”  The feathered hair, the guyliner, painted fingernails and skinny jeans, are all very stereotypically gay.

If his appearance isn’t enough, perhaps the fact that there are photos of him kissing and fondling dudes plastered all over the internet would convince even those in complete denial.

My problem is not with his sexuality.  I voted No on Prop 8 and Michael Stipe is one of my favorite singers of all time.  The problem lies with the ridiculousness that his sexuality is a source of news.  Who really cares if this guy is gay?  No one will remember him in a year anyways.

There’s a faction of people who believe Lambert didn’t win “American Idol” because of homophobia.  For them, I have a theory of my own:  The other guy was better.  I only caught a couple episodes of  “AI” this season, but the episodes I did see, I was unimpressed with Lambert.  Screaming is not singing. Maybe if this were a fashion competition, he would have won.

Desparately Sick of Susan

boyleEveryone has heard Susan Boyle sing.  Heaps of praise were given to her after her “Britain’s Got Talent” performance, and deservedly so.  A homely, middle aged woman who’s never been kissed got tons of press coverage because it turns out that ugly people can sing too.  If Susan Boyle was good looking, would anyone care?

No, they wouldn’t.

The attention Boyle received says a lot about the media.  She entered her audition with the judges ready to write her off based on nothing more than her frumpy appearance.  That’s immature, high school-like behavior.  When she sang successfully, the media swarmed.  She got a bit of a makeover, plucked her eyebrows, and the clock for another average person’s 15 minutes of fame started ticking.

Why is it so surprising to everyone that an ugly person can sing?  Have there never been ugly singers before?  I’ve seen Mick Jagger, so I know that’s not true.  Are we conditioned to think that only aesthetically pleasing human beings can do something of note?  It’s like the popular kids in school taking one of the outcasts and pretending to accept them into their group so they can make themselves feel better.

The Boyle story sells to the masses of generally unattractive people in this country who enjoy seeing someone less physically appealing than them succeed.  The kind of people who eat pork rinds, listen to Toby Keith, and laugh at Larry the Cable Guy.

Count on Boyle losing some weight, getting some minor plastic surgery, and changing what made her fodder for the image obsessed media in the first place; her poor looks.

And, as has happened many times before, the media has already begun knocking her back down a peg.  The headline on CNN after her semi-final performance: “Boyle shaky during second performance.”

The day will come when the media will pour its pigs blood on Susan Boyle a la “Carrie.”  Hopefully she doesn’t murder everyone via telepathy.

Now THAT would be talent.

Muldo Video: Stop Swineing

Here’s my very serious commentary on the Swine Flu pandemic and the media’s perfectly logical and not at all sensational coverage of this global news story.

In the words of Barenaked Ladies, “an entertaining scandal broke today but I can’t move on.”