Words with Assholes

I joined the Words With Friends craze a few weeks ago and, for the most part, have had a pleasant experience.  It’s a good way to waste time at work, extend time on the toilet, and for those up there in age, fight off Alzheimer’s disease.

Unfortunately, I hit a speed bump on the road of fun when I played a series of games with a sorry excuse for a human being who was obviously cheating.  Google “scrabble cheats” and at least 50 websites will come up with different ways to help you win.   It’s an easy method of earning hollow victories.

At first, assuming they were a friend of mine with a user name I did not recognize, I let it go.  But after several games, I realized that each time my opponent used 5-6 words that most people who spend all their time playing games on smart phones, and not earning their doctorate in English literature, do not know.

My vocabulary is above average, but I get my ass kicked sometimes and always lose with dignity.  However, unless I’m playing a game with the Poet Laureate, I don’t expect to see a half dozen words on the board of which I’ve never seen nor heard.

In a moment of frustration, I made a half-joking comment about the possibility of cheating.  Their reaction only solidified my stance that this person was of weak moral fiber.  Below is the transcript from our correspondence.

–

Muldo:  You should try playing without using a cheat program.  It’s more fun.
Asshole:  Ha.  My only cheat program is playing way too many games and memorizing weird words when people play them.  And dictionary word of the day, I suppose.  You should try reading.  It’s amazing the things you pick up.
Muldo:  Use “dharna” and “canard” in sentence.
Asshole:  Haha, those words are not difficult, though I apologize for using words beyond your vocabulary.  You should look them up in the dictionary to learn them yourself.
Muldo:  I didn’t think you could do it.
Asshole:  I didn’t think you owned a dictionary, either :)
Asshole:  Dictionary.com is free, you know
Asshole: It’s ok to lose, you know.  It’s just a game.  People beat me all the time and I don’t accuse them of cheating.  It’s just words with friends, man.
Asshole:  Maybe you’ll get better letters next time.
Muldo:  You are my new nemesis.

–

By mocking my intelligence and not actually answering my questions, they solidified my belief.  Why not make a self depreciating joke, or actually use the words in a sentence to put me in my place?  Because they’re a lying sack of shit.

I hope that using a computer program to beat a stranger at a word game gives them the gratification that they so lack in their real life, even if I think they’re a fucking asshole.

 

Chuck Woolery Tomfoolery

As we approach legendary game show host Chuck Woolery’s 69th birthday on March 16, I’d like to propose a way to cement his already enduring legacy.  Something so simple, yet so profound, that it will shake the foundation of the English language to the core.

I propose substituting “ChuckWoolery” for the dated, tired word “Tomfoolery.”

First of all, who the fuck is Tom Foolery and what did he do that made him important enough to get a noun named after him?  Considering the word means foolish, nonsensical, trivial behavior, Tom Foolery couldn’t have been a productive member of society.  In fact, he was most likely the bane of the existences of everyone he’d ever come into contact with.  Someone this despicable should not be in the dictionary.

Granted, Mr. Foolery’s namesake is a word with a negative connotation, it’s still gives him a more profound legacy than 99.9% of the world’s population.  One might even argue that the sting of that word has lessened over time and, in many aspects, could mean something positively lighthearted.

Nothing positive should be associated with such a despicable man.  That is why I am a proponent of the substitution.

Also, if ChuckWoolery replaced Tomfoolery, there would most likely be a picture of Chuck in every dictionary.  While I don’t know what Tom Foolery looks like, I can assure you that Chuck Woolery is a much sexier man.  He’s the kind of guy people can look at and say, “hey, that guy’s pretty good looking.  His picture belongs in a dictionary.”

It sounds crazy, but think about it.  The man hosted “Love Connection” for 11 years.  A show that had it’s share of shenanigans, and one that has given us all  hours of entertainment.  He coined the phrase “we’ll be back in two and two.”  Woolery also hosted “Scrabble” for six years.  The man is brilliant with both people and words, things a man should be proficient in if he has a noun named after him.

Woolery’s “Scrabble gig leads to another reason for the switch out.  In “Scrabble,”  Tomfoolery is worth 18 points.  ChuckWoolery is worth 29 points. That’s an 11 point difference, not even counting the potential double and triple word score possibilities.

Be it physical appearances, higher “Scrabble” point totals, or musical talent (Woolery’s song “Painted Lady” peaked at number 78 on the Billboard US Country chart in 1977), Chuck Woolery is a man deserving of his own word.  Let’s give it to him for his 69th birthday.  Not only for all of us, but for our children and their children.   For in a futuristic Utopian society, when someone does something silly, our great-grandchildren can say “I see some chuckwoolery going on here,” and it will be met by laughs, followed by a brief moment of reflection for a man who has touched us all.  It’s a legacy he deserves.

Amen.